iCate

laid off and learning to love it… my journey from corporate sprinter to life marathoner

sahm: i really don’t like people… 07/12/2009

Filed under: SAHM Choice — ccatet @ 1:33 pm

i used to say this phrase a lot when i worked. back then, people slowed me down and i had no time to waste. especially new people. what i used to really hate was when my husband or a friend would tell me about so-and-so, who they thought i would really like and hit it off with. i always thought: yeah right, in my free time!

now i have a tiny bit of free time during the day with the kids and interestingly enough, i find myself longing for the company of normal, nice people. don’t get me wrong, i love my kids and my husband but some days it’s nice to talk to someone other than these 3 people. even better – lately, when my husband and i try to talk, my son screams “stop doing that!” man, i love toddlers (but don’t worry, we’re working on this!)

i have had several days in a row where the only non-family member i speak to is the grocery checkout person or the front desk woman at our rec center. as expected, the conversation is light. but here’s the thing: i crave depth. i don’t want to talk about work and the stupid people there. i want to talk about the world and changes brewing. i want to talk about ideas and things that inspire and move people to action. not all the time, but every once in a while would really be nice.

sometimes you can get a good conversation in during a playdate, but it’s not common. any discussion is challenging when you’re juggling an infant and using your spare eye to make sure your toddler doesn’t try his hand at the monkey bars. sometimes i leave playdates happy for the kids but sad for me. they had a great time and i had another surface level conversation – again.

i often wonder how long i can really do this SAHM thing. some days i feel like my brain is turning to mush and others i can’t handle the sense of isolation. but, i signed up for this and i am hanging in there right now. the kids get bigger every day and i look at them and surge with love. i feel so fortunate to see them grow.

it’s a balancing act for sure, what they need and what i need… and their needs rule right now. if they want a quiet day at home, they get it. if they want to stay in the basement all day, no problem. if i need to get out, i dig down deep and focus hard on them and it usually pulls me through. i have only had one day where i practically went screaming out of the house when my husband got home – and that was mainly because i dumped a tray of lasagna onto the floor of the oven (which was the icing on the cake that day). one out of 130+ days is not so bad.

since i have been home, i have met some awesome people, reconnected with old friends and can honestly say that my world is so much bigger than it was before. people aren’t so bad anymore. i need them and my kids need them for variety, social interaction and to learn about the world. our lives are full, i admit… but we have room for more.

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