sahm: working all the time 11/06/2009

since i was laid off in february, we have done pretty well getting our family onto a tight budget. no major missteps. however, a few months ago i realized i had fallen short in the “me” category. i found it hard to justify money in the budget for any splurges for me, including dinners out, coffee on-the-go, and my haircuts and color. my gray hair was taking over!

i review job postings regularly and try to stay connected overall. until something fantastic came up in the full-time category, my goal was to find a part-time job that let me work from home while the kids slept: before they woke up, during naps and in the evening as needed. something legit. i did not quite think it was possible.

as fate would have it, something fantastic fell in my lap with all of the above criteria. i started in july and hence, have much less time for this blog. however, it pays me – this blog does not! plus, the work keeps my brain moving differently than singing Christmas songs and playing at the local park does.

the content is mildly entertaining, the people i work with are normal and the pay is good. i also never have to deal with office bureaucracy – something i will never miss. however, since i do not have to dress up for work anymore, i do sometimes miss cute shoes. (sigh)

anyways, we use my pay for extras and will fund Christmas entirely with it. i pick up a latte every once in a while with no remorse, save a portion for my retirement, pay for things like the zoo membership, and treat the kids to lunch every few weeks when i think they (and i) can manage through dining out without daddy. this mainly happens when i start to crave first watch…. YUM… first watch.

most sahms i know seem to work FOR PAY in some way – they own a small business, work a few hours out of the home after their spouse is home, etc. it’s not for everyone, as it pretty much means you never slow down and always have something to be doing. i am more productive when i am busy, so it has been alright for the most part. however, it has its challenges too. i am managing pretty well but often have to remind myself to prioritize the work behind the important things.

i am sad for those people who put work ahead of the important things. i was that person once and i hated the feeling that my family was coming behind work. i will never be that person again. even if the shoes were really cute…

sahm: perspective 10/28/2009

as the fall winds down and we head into the holiday season, i have been reflecting on my time home with the kids. i was laid off 8 months ago this week and can’t believe how our lives have evolved and changed.

i now have the strength and courage to go places with my children – alone – that i never would have gone before. initially, it was survival but now it’s great fun. today we jumped on trampolines all morning, had lunch at bob evans and this afternoon we’re going swimming.

my son will be 3 in a few weeks and is a full blown preschooler. he is very funny, loves to run (just like his mom & dad), and can tell you in great detail about any truck or construction vehicle on the road. when i was first laid off, i used to find myself pretty lonely. however, he has become a fabulous companion to me during the day. he asks good questions and listens to the answers, connects pretty abstract ideas and is extremely observant. now if only i could get him to use the potty!

i am grateful to have seen every single one of my daughter’s teeth come in. she is now working on number 11. she gets a little cough and becomes very clingy with each new tooth. although it’s hard to do everything while carrying her, i know she will be BIG like her brother soon – so i hold on to her as tight as possible. she can be a mama’s girl if she wants.

i have watched my son go from ignoring his baby sis as she crawled around to eagerly helping her up when she stumbles. they now chase each other around the kitchen island and squeal with laughter the entire time! i try to stop what i am doing to watch them and soak it up… as high-pitched as it is, the sound is truly is music to my ears. they are happy which makes me very happy.

i really don’t miss working full time. based on what i hear from former co-workers, i am thrilled to not be living in my old corporate world anymore. it’s amazing how time and space give perspective. yes, i still do look for jobs but i find that there is very little that i would even consider leaving these two monkeys for. i have a part-time, work-from-home job right now and that suits me just fine.

a former colleague said it best: “you can always go back to work, but you can only raise your children once.” he’s one crazy dude, but on this point, he is absolutely right.

sahm: sing it, mama 08/24/2009

i have always liked to sing. i usually sing in the car and around the house, especially when music is on. now that i am home full time, my kids now hear me sing – a lot. at first, my son was NOT a fan. he would often tell me to stop singing. as you can imagine, this did not go over well.

he used to really hate it when groups of people sang songs, especially “happy birthday.” at his 2nd birthday party last november, he actually cried when everyone started to sing to him! my husband and i talked about it and we knew there was something wrong but we didn’t know how (nor did we really have time) to try to figure it out with both of us working full time.

when i was first home with them, i started putting music on a lot: in the car, in the house, and for no reason other than for background sound. i sang along and was often told to stop. but i kept going. i found some tunes for him – silly kids songs that were still tolerable for adults (ex. laurie berkner, justin roberts). i referred to this music as HIS music. i think it worked.

amazingly enough, in the past 6 months, i have been so fortunate to witness my son overcome his social dislike of singing. and to top it off, he sings himself! his mind is like a steel trap so if i stop singing mid-song, he can finish almost every verse. his vocabulary has expanded one hundred times over, just from lyrics.

we now sing constantly. he asks for his music and wants it turned up louder. he yells, “sing it, mama!” if it’s a favorite song of his. we sing together. it’s awesome.

the best part is that for my birthday 3 weeks ago he actually sang to me, by himself, at the breakfast table that morning. i cried. one of my best mommy moments ever.

sometimes you don’t know how to *fix* or work through an issue or phase with your kids… you just live your life and hope it works itself out. i don’t think this one would have worked itself out this quickly or with as much enjoyment (for both of us) had i still been working.

so for this alone, i want to say thank you to my former employer for laying me off. totally worth it.

sahm: let it go 08/14/2009

with two kids under 3 who equally enjoy time in the dirt pit, sandbox and jumping in mud puddles, i have to work very hard to let go of my inner clean freak tendencies. when i was working, i consciously avoided messy activities as we rarely had time for the clean up efforts. now that i am home, i want both kids to have these tactile experiences and feel comfortable getting dirty… but i need to be comfortable with them getting dirty too.

i know many SAHMs who hate messy activities. we’re all entitled to our outlook on kid activities. however, after seeing my kids both enjoy the messes that came out of child care, i know deep down that i need to give them plenty of opportunities to get messy. to do this, i honestly have to take deep breaths and just let it go.

when i say let it go, i mean that i don’t worry about that flying cake mix or the egg that just dripped on the floor. i don’t focus on the chocolate footprints through the kitchen or the milk spilled on the cabinet doors. at least, i don’t think about it for 20 minutes. i look at my kids and their smiles, listen to their laughter and maybe take a few pictures. it’s almost peaceful to me.

thankfully,  most kids’ attention spans are quite short, so by the time i start to get anxious, the kids have moved on and i can do a quick clean up. i have also been known to give baths at 11am if there was a good morning dirt pit session. why not – who says all baths have to happen at night?

my husband likes to remind me that their fingerprints – which are on everything - are a reminder of them. without them, there would be no fingerprints. he’s right. but i don’t get sentimental about it much because every time i wash them away, i know i will see the fingerprints again very soon!

sahm: pick your battles 08/10/2009

when i was working, a significant amount of parenting in our family was done by our child care center. right or wrong, sometimes this didn’t sit well with me. however, since i was laid off, it’s all me – all the time… and this can get to be a little exhausting and frustrating. as a SAHM, i find that i have to constantly pick my battles when it comes to parenting. if i decided to make EVERY moment a teachable moment, i would go crazy.

these moments didn’t really emerge until our son crossed into the land of the two year olds. and lucky me, i was laid off just 3 months after his 2nd birthday. my son is conversational, curious, and precocious – which are all wonderful. however, he is also pushing his limits and exploring the world which can really challenge me. as someone who formerly worked outside of the home, i find that being a SAHM is significantly more intense than being a working mom. being a SAHM is much messier, literally and figuratively, yet it is also ridiculously fulfilling and joyful. thankfully, almost every mess is outweighed by the good stuff.

to keep myself sane, right now i try to focus on three areas mainly because my kids are still pretty young: safety, kindness/manners and dining. the safety piece is a non-negotiable. also, we want the kids to be able to eat out without a major scene so dining is elevated. finally, i believe kindness and manners are areas where a solid foundation is required for the kids to grow into decent human beings. we’re hoping through our efforts that we avoid the principal’s office and other similar locations!

there are days that i wish child care would just take over: yes, please… potty train my almost 3 year old son… yes, please feed my 1 year old daughter because after she eats there is over half of her meal on the floor and mushed into her clothes.

however, they can’t keep them for long. i would miss them too much.

sahm: garden therapy, part 3 – pesto love 08/09/2009

a few weeks ago, i cut my first crop of basil… keep in mind that i would have probably reaped 2 or more crops by now if not for the homemade insecticide fiasco, but let’s not relive that nightmare!

trimming the basil took no time at all, but i lingered over the task as the smell is truly heavenly. the kids only sleep for around 2 hours so i couldn’t hang out too long! once inside, i rinsed the basil and threw it into the food processor along with a few other ingredients and whipped up some pesto. we had no immediate plans for the pesto, so i froze everything. i had a full ice cube tray of pesto… yet i secretly wondered if we’d ever eat it?

low and behold, the time came upon us. last night, i decided to make pasta, salad and french bread with baked pesto & parmesan on top.

not to be outdone, my brother delivered homemade tomato sauce – 14 cups – just before i started cooking! i am grateful for the sauce as it will last us until winter, but seriously, what does he feed his garden???

i added a cube of pesto and ground turkey to the simmering sauce, baked the bread, then cut the bread up to broil the pesto and parmesan on top.

i have to say that the pesto bread plus the homemade sauce (with added pesto) were      FA-BU-LOUS.

so far this gardening thing is not so bad, now i am just waiting on our zucchini. it’s been almost 3 months since i planted that monstrosity and only have one small zucchini to show for it. the full plant is seriously taking over the dirt pit! everyone keeps saying it looks good and healthy and they will come – i guess i just have to wait and see…

sahm: the spice of life 07/22/2009

the business where i used to work had a fabulous brand new cafe with every possible food you can imagine: stir fry bar, pasta bar, daily pizza specials, a deli, grill, mexican food station, salad bar, soups, milkshake machine, the works. when i was pregnant with my daughter, i lived it up every single day. sometimes i miss working there JUST because of the cafe.

in general, i have always enjoyed eating out. however, since i was laid off and on our new and much reduced budget, it’s much more rare that we eat out. if you’re wondering, our budget is a total of $50 for the month to eat out and we average 2-3 times out a month with those funds plus a plethora of coupons. as a result, i have been known to fantasize about eating out and ordering something tasty that i didn’t have to prepare for DAYS in advance.

tonight, for example, i am having dinner with an old friend and we’re going to a great local burger joint. i have been dreaming about the amazing salad and the burger for three days. even more so, i am not indulging in a cookie right now in order to justify that scrumptious burger.

i cook with a fair amount of variety but there will always be something nice about someone else cooking for me. however, the frequency of someone else cooking for me has substantially dropped since i was laid off. i am the sole grocery shopper, meal planner, food preparer and usually, the clean up person. my husband offers, but i usually send him to play with the kids so i can have a few minutes alone to myself and he can visit with them after his day at work. sometimes those 5 minutes are the only minutes i get alone until bedtime.

when i do get out to eat now i make sure to enjoy every second, especially when there are no children hanging off of me. i am learning how to slow down when i eat since i usually have to rush with the kids. i order something that i don’t cook at home and make sure the meal is ordered exactly how i like it. when the food arrives, i dive in – YUM!

since we don’t eat out as much, i am also trying more new recipes than i have in years. if i am craving a meal, i try to reproduce it at home which has made cooking very experimental and a little bit exciting. i am proud to say that i am making variety in our lives in a place that it never existed before.

if you’re wondering, as of now i have no plans to return to my old employer’s cafe… even if i still do dream about the food from time to time.

sahm: mother’s intuition 07/21/2009

before i had kids, i always thought the idea of mother’s intuition was just a cliche. even more so, while i was working, i don’t think my mother’s intuition was every truly tuned into my kids… there were too many other distractions. being home with them full time means i now truly know what mother’s intuition is. it’s so loud that sometimes i can barely hear what anyone is saying.

i can feel a meltdown coming moments before it occurs. i know immediately when something is missing amongst our gear. i can sense vomit before it leaves my kids’ mouths. i never thought i would know my kids and their behaviors and trends so well but i do. and it’s AWESOME. i like some predictability, but frankly, kids are not predictable. however, being home means i get the chance to be more in tune with them which i am finding gives me an overall leg up in my life as a mom.

i am certainly not perfect though and i make my share of mistakes when not listening to my intuition. take a recent friday as an example… ugh, the thought of it pains me as i type. the kids and i had driven +4 hours on thursday to visit family and it had been a very long day. we have done this a few other times and i learned to allow the kids a reset day (i.e. no plans) immediately after a travel day. their sleep and play time suffers on travel days and as a result, i find that they need a day to sleep in, stretch their legs and generally reset their schedules.

for the most part, i give them this reset day but a few weeks ago – i don’t know – i think i forgot. instead, i jam-packed their schedule with a grocery store run first thing in the morning, then a playdate at a horribly busy outdoor public water park, all while hoping to see my cousins who planned to drop by the park for a visit at the same time. can i say huge mistake? HUGE.

it was hot. there were much bigger kids everywhere. the ground was wet. i couldn’t feed my kids fast enough and my son wanted desperately to go into the water park… so again, against my better judgement, i let him… only for him to bang heads with an older child within minutes. this was the absolute low point of my day, and perhaps, even the past 6 months.

i knew better. my gut told me to keep him out of the park. my gut actually told me that morning to cancel the playdate… but i trudged on. i want my kids to learn how to roll with the punches and sometimes i ask too much of them while other times they do extremely well. it’s truly the yin and yang of parenthood. but my kids are young (both under 3) and we have plenty of years for water parks and playdates… and i should have known better that day.

there was a bright spot though… we left immediately after the head banging and after long naps, the kids were like brand new. we had a great evening playing outside and everyone was happy. i was refreshed and grateful.

after events like the above, i am reminded to pay closer attention to my intuition. one thing i never ignore is that feeling that vomit is coming…. the fact that i can sometimes sense this before it happens and direct the contents into a bathtub or sink is truly priceless. i would get laid off again just to learn that.

sahm: i can do anything 07/16/2009

this has been my mantra since i was laid off. it gets me through all of those tough moments.  usually i think to myself, “i can do anything – i gave birth, TWICE!” for all of you mothers out there, you know what i’m screaming.

this works in just about every moment where i feel like quitting. for example, the first mile (or last mile) of a run, those forever minutes during a long car drive where both kids are screaming and you think your head might explode, the seemingly endless piles of laundry that you’d rather lay down on than fold. you get my drift.

i am a believer that it’s all about your outlook and i tend to be pretty positive overall. i don’t hang well with negative nellies and i encourage my children to keep trying, try again, and regularly spew the “it’s all good” comment to shake off a tumble or scrape. this is life — nothing is fair. if you don’t make the most of it, you only have yourself to blame.

now, there are some things i CHOOSE not to do… things like cook elaborate meals (too much time, too many dishes), wear fancy clothes (too expensive, hate to iron), and run a marathon (bad knees, not enough hours in the day). but i have a feeling, if i decided suddenly that these were things i wanted to do, i would make it happen.

sahm: not again 07/15/2009

when i was working, i loathed packing lunches to send with my son to school. it was hard enough to get to the grocery store each week, let alone provide tasty, nutritious, diverse meals every day. now i am home with him and his almost 1 year old sister, and really, things just might be worse.

it does not help that my son is a picky eater. at 2.5 years old, he still refuses macaroni & cheese and hot dogs (among many other things). i take full blame for his pickiness because during the window of time where babies will generally eat anything in front of them (approx 9-15 months), we were busy trying to sell our house, pack and move (and oh yeah, i was also in my first trimester with our second baby and had a boatload of energy). we kept feeding him pureed baby food to help with cleaning and also because the pre-packaged foods were convenient. little did we know how this would bite us down the road!

when i was still working, i often heard from teachers that the only time he ate his food was when someone coached him through the entire meal. at night, we wanted him to be pleasant so we let him get into a “cereal for dinner” habit.

when i was laid off, i thought for sure i could get him to eat more with less coaching as well as introduce many more foods. my husband and i vowed that as his baby sister worked her way into solids, that her brother needed to come along with her.

overall, the diversity i was hoping for in my son’s diet is coming, but it is V-E-R-Y S-L-O-W. experts say you need to introduce a food 10 times before a child will have interest in it. with my son, we’re easily over 20 times on some items… and that little pistol, he can be stubborn. we repeat meals over and over again… the more repetition, the more likely he is to try the new food. i find myself preparing the same meals over and over again. sometimes he tries something, sometimes he eats a lot, and sometimes i throw the whole plate away. his sister on the other hand, right at 11 months, will eat almost anything in front of her!

along with all of this repetition with food, i find that being home full time means many more dishes, crumbs and clean up. if you’re like me and prefer a clean house, you can almost make yourself a little crazy trying to keep up. and my husband wonders why i always want to eat dinner outside!

meal planning for kids is tough. those of you that work and don’t have to sit with your little ones through another 1-2 meals a day really have it easier than you think!

i long for the days when both kids eat the same meals as the adults. i am sure all parents say this, but i find that being home all day, this feeling is so much stronger. why? meals are much more frequent, you have less help, and the preparation and clean up are a lot more repetitive. some days i feel like all i do is prep a meal, clean it up, prep a meal, clean it up, prep a meal… you get the point.

i am trying to look at the bright side… we can eat outside, and what better way to clean up than a good, old-fashioned hose-down. anyone care to join us?